I had hit rock bottom. No fight left. All will to live gone. The next step was to end it all.
“Who am I? I’m nothing, no good to anyone. My boys will be better off without me. Their father can do what he likes with them without me around. The constant bickering between us is affecting them. Better for him to bring them up alone than to have the two of us destroying each other, and them. I have no resistance left anyway. I’m just a burden on them all, a thorn in their sides that they can do without.” I ask myself why is it so cold and lonely in here?”
I am beyond rational thought. Getting to this point in my life was a gradual process. I had tried being a workaholic, hitting the alcohol and smoking marijuana. I’d partied, played and worked till I dropped, in an effort to escape the reality of our orchard going bankrupt and a marriage that wasn’t working. My whole life was on a downhill treadmill. Now my self-loathing grew like a tumour inside me. The tunnel grew darker and darker.
“There is not going to be enough money to feed the family. What am I to do? My mouth certainly doesn’t help, easier for them by far if it didn’t have to be fed, let alone listened to. I wish I could stop crying. I seem to be crying all the time now. That’s good, the brain is going numb, I can’t think anymore. I’ll just watch and see if anyone notices that I’m not really here anyway. I don’t really think so, they seem to be getting on fine without me already. They don’t even seem to notice that I’m not here now. I’ll just let that numb feeling stay. Don’t have to think when it’s there. It’s like being in a thick mist, fog all around me, no more thoughts, no more pain, just the numbing fog. That’s it, I’m gone and not coming back.”
My next moment of conscious thought was when I found myself standing in the middle of the orchard, “Oh wow! What’s happening to me?”
A light streamed from the heavens, soft, beautiful, radiant, glowing and golden, surrounding and filling every essence of myself. A feeling of oneness with All That Is, and pure gentle love flooding through me, touching everything. A feeling of wholeness and understanding beyond words of total love and compassion, such as I would never have believed possible.
“What’s that? Did I hear something? Where’s it coming from? It seems as though it is inside me. Yes it is.” It was saying:
I looked down into myself. Oh God, there is something inside me after all. Something amazing that hadn’t been there before. It is glowing strong and vibrant full of the essence of Christ consciousness and ‘the light.’
“You mean there is a purpose for my being here?”
Visions flashed through my mind. I became aware of many things. The world changed for me. A whole new awareness was mine. Now I understood so many things that had been hidden to me before. I was put in touch with myself and the love and light within, an inner strength and knowing. I wasn’t alone anymore; I knew God was with me.
“Is that the birds I can hear singing? I can’t remember when I was last aware of a bird singing. Look at that leaf falling, the grace of it and the reflecting sun painting it beautiful gold, yellows and oranges. It’s been so long since I have seen and heard these things, perhaps never.” I thought the world seemed so beautiful as I looked at my new world in awe.
I stood transfixed. So much that had never made sense to me now did. It had been a long and painful journey that had brought me to this point but now I felt my life was transformed. I knew beyond a doubt there was a Great Spirit or God, a light energy of total love often called The Source. I danced for joy and for life and gave thanks to God. Suddenly now life was very precious to me.